The flirting paradox: Why the attention your partner receives from others is liable to diminish your desire for them

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by Reichman University

Have you always thought that attention your partner receives from other people would make them more attractive to you? Think again. A new Reichman University study reveals a surprising twist in the way we react when others show interest in our partner.

The study, conducted by Prof. Gurit Birnbaum and Prof. Doron Friedman of the Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology at Reichman University, explored how the attention one partner receives from others affects sexual desire, commitment to the relationship, and the inclination to ward off competitors. The findings are published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Choosing a partner is one of the most significant decisions in life, profoundly influencing an individual's happiness and life journey. It's no wonder, then, that over the course of evolution, humans have developed strategies to help identify suitable partners while minimizing effort and risk.

One common strategy is to observe how others react to potential mates. Have you ever found someone more attractive after seeing them receive positive attention from others? This phenomenon, known as "mate-choice copying," occurs in both humans and animals. It serves as a shortcut for people to identify suitable partners.

Studies have shown that when people notice others' desire for a potential partner, they tend to perceive that person more favorably. This evaluative process does not end once a relationship is established. People continue to try to assess their partner's value, and are often influenced by how attractive others find them. However, the meaning of the attention directed towards a partner can vary depending on the context, whether at the start of a new relationship or within an established one.

The study examined what happens when we see others flirt with our current partner. Would this attention have a similar effect, or might it evoke a completely different reaction, given that it could signal the possibility of losing our partner to someone else?

The study also explored how attention directed toward a partner by others influences our perception of their attractiveness and the effort we invest in maintaining the relationship. Does this attention make people desire their partner more, or does it perhaps lead them to fear potential threats to the relationship and react defensively?

The study involved three experiments designed to explore this question. In each experiment, participants in a committed relationship were exposed to scenarios in which their partner either received unsolicited attention from another person (external attention conditions) or engaged in a neutral interaction with someone else (control conditions). Following these scenarios, participants rated their sexual desire for their partner, their inclination to engage in behaviors that would preserve the relationship (such as doing something nice for their partner), and their interest in deterring the competitors who showed interest in their partner.

In each of the experiments, a different method was employed to manipulate the exposure to the external attention directed at the partner. In the first experiment, participants were asked to imagine a scenario in which someone else either expressed interest in their partner (without any reciprocal response) or had a neutral interaction with them.

For example, one participant described the following scenario: "We're at our usual bar, and out of nowhere, this gorgeous girl starts staring at my partner. I asked, 'Who is that?!' And my partner responded, 'I have no idea.' But it felt strange, you know? Things like that don't just happen. Who is she, and what is the story there?"

The second experiment aimed to create a tangible yet controlled environment to explore the same question, utilizing virtual reality. Participants donned VR glasses and found themselves in a crowded virtual bar, where they observed an interaction between their partner and a virtual stranger. The stranger either flirted with their partner or remained neutral.

In the third experiment, the researchers' focus shifted from imagined scenarios to real-life experiences. Participants were asked to recall a real incident in their relationship in which someone either expressed interest in their partner or had a neutral interaction with them. For instance, one participant recounted the following: "We were in Tel Aviv, when suddenly this guy shows up and asks for my girlfriend's number. I got annoyed, like, who does he think he is?! My girlfriend quickly brushed him off, but my mind was already racing with questions: What if she finds him attractive? Might I lose her? Would she be happier with him?"

The findings of the individual experiments and the overall study revealed that when participants observed others showing interest in their partner, they experienced decreased desire for their partner, a reduced inclination to invest in the relationship, and a strong urge to fend off the "rivals." The significance that people attach to the attention their partner receives from others varies in different contexts.

When a person is looking for a mate, such attention may serve as evidence of that mate's value. However, in an established relationship, the same attention may be perceived as a threat indicating the possibility of losing the partner to someone else. The fear of losing a partner may trigger defensive reactions.

To protect ourselves from the potential pain of such a loss, we may create emotional distance from our partner and withdraw from investing in the relationship as a way of softening the blow we would experience in the event that our fears materialize. At the same time, the anger caused by the attention given to our partner by competitors may lead to efforts to repel these rivals. These aggressive reactions, however, may stem more from an urge to take revenge on the competitors than from a true desire to preserve the relationship.

Prof. Birnbaum, Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology, Reichman University said, "While some people might attempt to make their partner jealous by attracting attention from others, hoping to feel more desirable or secure, research indicates that this tactic can backfire. Rather than strengthening the relationship, it may undermine the very bond it seeks to enhance."

More information: Gurit E. Birnbaum et al, When Your Partner is Being Flirted With: The Impact of Unsolicited Attention on Perceived Partner Desirability and Mate Retention Efforts, The Journal of Sex Research (2024). DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2024.2391105

Journal information: Journal of Sex Research

Provided by Reichman University